Phantasmagoria

i'm still torn between tabulas and multiply.. just as well, pls visit my other blog:

http://7sebenleben11.multiply.com

@ SM San Fernando (6:04 pm)

ok, so my parents gave me 15 minutes to surf, to blog, to check my email.. well basically to do everything that i need to do. they are playing bingo, as usual. and i am stuck playing with them (pretending that i dont enjoy it as well ;D).

i actually wanted to write about a lot of stuff.. stuff that happened within the week, which left my brain rattled and filled with paranoia. but i guess all's well that ends well. i must say, imagining invisible stabs in the back=very unhealthy.

gosh, am homeward bound again.(eew, corny). what am i to do in the province? DVD marathons? Reading late at night? Listing all the MP3s i have in my winamp? aww. back to Snoozeville. Hope i get that call i've been waiting for, and then i get to go back to civilization. Ta-ta!

6:12 pm (still 7 minutes left)

the guys are currently playing dota.. its their third straight game. and since my urge  to play dota has dissipated earlier, i opted to play o2jam instead. but then after an hour of exercising my fingers with that dance-revo-ish game, that became boring as well. so now i am blogging. for the second time today. hmm, not bad for someone whose average posting is one in 5 months. harhar.

oops. they're done. grr. will continue tomorrow.  

 

hmm.. almost forgot how to blog. lolz. weniweyz, missed ya tabulas! and also reading entries of the few friends i have here. cant seem to remember when i last got hold of a pc with enough time left to actually write err.. type. pc time's always divided into dota/ran online/o2jam/cs/quake. oh well. gaming days are definitely lessened this month. lots of stuff are happening.

so there. where should i start?

Work thing? Was employed at convergys. it was fun while it lasted. had to go on awol earlier than expected though. met lots of new friends: kye, cathy, mommy rocel, rae, anne, leila, mommy cora, joel, ella, will... my dota buddies from work namely fritz, joyce, kiko, and jason the best. hehe. and of course the trainors, glory (whom i will always look up to) and tiff. hmm. feels like i forgot to mention a few other people.. well anyway. sorry guys. long time ago. it is true that being an agent can get kind of boring easily. imagine taking calls 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. while having a shift that borders on the wee hours of the night. but the pay's good. haha! cant complain there.

going on..

Oh, me and my friends finally moved in a new apartment. We rented a whole unit.. Party time! kidding, lolz. My housemates are.. Pol, Jill, Tsarles, Mark, Japs, Thom, Tere and Hani. Vonn is an honorary roommate. and so are lance and cocoy. well at least we got those people to wash the dishes for us. haha! It is fun living with your friends indeed. Siraan na ng buhay! hehe. so, house party anyone?

Next, love life? hmm.. pass the cheese please. harhar. vonn and i are doing okay right not. last night though, we almost broke up. drama, drama, drama. Ex-es=evil. i was enlightened, thankfully. Am grateful to some of my friends who helped me see the light. haha! To chiara, who listened to all my rants while comforting me at the same time. thanks for the advice and for encouraging me to go for what i really want. To geline, thanks for the lecture, now i know what do to. To ate jang, thanks for agreeing on a drinking spree with a delusional psychopath, erm, yours truly. To Thom, who checked up on the poor girl who was crying her heart out, and for saying "Kaya mo yan, ate savvy." Thanks.. Hay.. such great friends. What is there to cry about?

To you, I promise to not let any issues get in the way of us again. I know I broke your trust, but am gonna win that back. As i said last night, give me time.. but this time, not to think. But to let you experience a better me.

 

 

hehe. will be reviving this page soon. :D

(by the way, has anyone missed me? no? err... azel!) 

so much has changed in such a short span of time. it's time to face the fact that yes, i am getting old. i am conducting myself, however, in such a disgustingly immature manner. like taking big (really big) things too lightly.

i did something bad. really really bad. and for more than a week this has been bugging me endlessly. how could i have turned out to be such a terrible, terrible person?

i asked myself before that if i were to face something which would require me to stand my ground and be brave, i'd never hesitate, i'd be firm. especially if it would eventually result to something which i've always wanted.

how i wish everything turned out differently. an added few years would have worked perhaps. where was i when the Lord bestowed some courage on this earth?!! ugh!

i haven't been feeling well lately.

last week...

i got sick. (sorry for passing it on to you 'te jeni) :p

i failed to attend three of my classes.

i didn't talk to a professor with whom i was supposed to talk to ages ago.

i didn't get my gradpic (sc people, where on earth are ya?!)

i had so much free time that i ended up sleeping whole afternoons at home . 

well yesterday, i did attend class. but i still haven't talked with my prof.

 

well this week, i ought to clear things up.

no more absences, no more late papers, no more delays.

 

at least being so sick last week made me quit smoking. yey!  

 

            I wonder why I don’t see in hues of red. Why I still see white walls instead of a rose-colored room. Why I still could see different colors other than red and look at things only to realize that they haven’t changed. I am supposed to be in love and shouldn’t love change your perception of things? I mean, love is supposed to make the colors more vibrant, cause the trees to dance and for leaves to speak. But the blue I see now is the same blue I saw before and the trees are definitely not dancing. They are still the immobile living things that they were and I honestly don’t hear the dialogue of leaves.

            Maybe the leaves speak when I am not listening well. Or maybe, trees dance when I’m not looking. Maybe still, I need to wear eyeglasses. Or maybe, I just am not in love.

            Here I am, still planted firmly on the ground when love is supposed to sweep me off my feet. My heart still beats its normal beat and there is no cinematic moment when time seems to stand still. I’m here and he’s there and that’s it.

            Then what do I feel for him?

            Nothing, I guess. There is no rush of inexplicable joy that fills my heart, no dizziness for the world seems to move faster than it usually does and certainly my knees are not trembling. Maybe, I really am not in love.

            But I don’t just see his unruly hair anymore, I can now see his face clearly as if light itself emanates from it or a light bulb is always lit up near his face. Even from afar, I can see his eyes and they now seem to know things only I used to, as I kept them to myself.. I could now understand the smiles that used to baffle me then and answer his with a smile of my own. When I picture his hands, I always see them holding mine tight. And honestly, I wouldn’t like to see it in any other way particulary if it involves someone else’s hands.

           

I am not in love. But when I am with him, I am lulled to sleep. I just want to close my eyes to feel him near and driftingly float with only his scent to guide me. He soothes and calms, he’s my big tranquilizer. It’s like one touch or one look, a smile, or simply his being there could make me remember and forget at the same time. And then, there’d be no more doubts, or worries, no thinking of what if’s but just me, and him, and that’s it.

I don’t love him. But I love looking at him when he’s asleep and watch his eyes open when he wakes up. I love to see him eat, and drink and chew. I love to watch his eyebrows meet when he’s confused (or whenever he’s acting masunget), the way he puts a cigarette between his teeth (yes, teeth) before lighting it, and I love seeing the reflection of my face in his eyes. I love to hear his name. I love to hear his voice. I even love his corny jokes and his outrageous sense of humor. I love being with him, surrounded by him that a day is not enough. That when I fall asleep at night, I think of what has been and look forward to tomorrow’s what could be. I love the way the two of us looked in front of the mirror, two different people yet fit perfectly well. It’s as if he’s the tree and I, the orchid. And that pictures suits me just fine.

The leaves still wouldn’t talk to me and I’m fine with it. I don’t really want to hear them speak. Trees still don’t dance and I honestly don’t care. They could remain unmoving all my life and I wouldn’t mind. Maybe, I’d wear glasses but I honestly still could see well. I’m in love.

 #

***cheese alert ***

how i wish we could have had a clean break. so then i would have no choice but to find the will to move on and break away from the identity i had when we were together. but you just had to leave things hanging, messy. and it hurts.  

you asked, about a week after you surprised me with the news that you wanted out, if i would wait for you until the time comes... of course, being the miserable li'l twit that i was, i readily said yes. for months, the thought of you coming back was all that sustained me. funny, i didn't even have the common sense to think of myself and ask how long i was willing to wait.

eight months (and counting) have come and gone. when are you coming back? you told me before that you thought it just wasn't the right time for us. i knew it was hard for you at home then, with the pressure of acads and with the death of your dad, so i believed you. but i never imagined that it would take this long.

now i keep telling myself that perhaps there will never be a right time. just think about it, right now, you're so intent on graduating. after that, you'll probably look for a job. after landing one, who knows? i can enumerate a million different scenarios of what might happen after graduating from UP.

i once wrote you a letter with this line: "whenever i feel the need to leave you, the life of my body doesn't allow me to do so." it's what i'm feeling now. every part of me is screaming to break free, but i cant. i still cant.

*sigh* i do envy you a lot. at least you don't seem to have any problem leaving me. :c

****

cayod'll probably kill me for blabbering about our so-called relationship.. but who cares right? woe is me. ;p