standing in the intersection

"Our Maker gives assignments to people, “to each according to each one’s unique ability.” As he calls, he equips. Look back over your life. What have you consistently done well? What have you loved to do? Stand at the intersection of your affections and successes and find your uniqueness." - Uniquely You by Max Lucado

I love teaching.  I know I do.  I have seen myself as a teacher since I was 10 years old. A year younger than my students now. In my college application forms, all my degree choices were in the field of education. I had good training - in theory and in practice. I know how it is to be a good student, so I figured I would be a good teacher. In fact, I graduated B.Secondary Education with two majors and with honors. I have always believed that my Maker created me to teach. I have always believed that my destiny is to be a teacher forever. But,

I wonder why I can't seem to excel in teaching. I know I am diligent. I do not think I am excellent.

I do not know if I am just insecure, or it is already a sad truth for me.  I do not mean to sound hopeless; not even to appear humble.  I am trying to do as Max Lucado suggested . I am trying to look back over the past one and a half year and see if I have consistently done well in this job. If I am in an assigment where my unique ability is most developed, and most helpful. I feel that the findings would be negative; so I am resorting to face it with my usual "I have no idea". It may be a denial. But it means faith to me. I choose to believe that my unique ability is teaching and that I am in the correct assignment. Am I just blinded by my selfish idea of fate?

I stand at the intersection of my affections - I see myself teaching;  I stand at the intersection of my successes - I see nothing (yet). I could be discouraged by how the situation presents my commonness; that I am not at all unique - that I am just one of the millions of mediocre, content, and unnoticed teachers all over the world.

Or perhaps, unconsciously, I compare myself with my other co-teachers too much. I wonder why unlike them, I am always stressed and tired at the end of the day -- why I can't spare myself time to check my facebook even for just an hour a week (or sometimes -- a month), or why I can't have a break in the faculty room without thinking of my lessons, my plans, my activities, my lists of things to do which always seem endless. It has become normal for me to drown in worries about my work, to be overwhelmed, to be occasionally pathetic with what I get in return for all the hard work. The others don't seem to experience these. I see them chat and laugh a lot; I see them manage to read the latest novels and online news during breaks; I see them go home early; I hear about their purchases - how they were able to reward themselves with fine dining, new clothes and shoes, movies, gadgets,...;  I see them finish a lesson plan in less than 30 minutes (When I take 1-2 hours to do the same). Am I just being envious? Is it just my attitude?

Or it's just the way it is.  Will I be in this kind of struggle until I am able to realize and accept that I am not created for teaching?  That would be hard. I honestly can't think of myself as anything but a teacher. Being out of this would be quite similar to being stripped off my identity.

But I am hopeful. I choose to be hopeful. Afterall, being a teacher comes second.  I am first and foremost a child of God. Lovely in the eyes of my Father. I only see my uniqueness when I think of how my God looks at me.Oh, I love God. Without him, I'd probably be too absorbed with these depressing thoughts of hopelessness.  I'm glad I know God. I'm glad I could end this entry still happy, still okay, still assured of victory, in spite of - despite the ---.

Currently feeling: complacent

Posted by tal at 07:02 PM on November 4, 2009
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can you hear it?