de ja vu?

I was saving the previous entry in my journals folder when I saw a word document with November 5, 2008 as the file name.  It's interesting to see similarities of today and yesterday - says something about my progress in this assignment.  Did I make progress? Here's part of the entry written almost one year ago:

Dear God,

... Anyway, today it is Luke 10. The one about Mary and Martha. I’ve heard this many times before. I know that I am like Martha, Lord. I maybe happy and enthusiastic to do what you want me to do, but my attitude needs to change. I need to be still and silent. To listen to you well. To drink from your well. To rest in you. I’m learning to do that, Lord. Can you see it? Please help me be a better listener.

“Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me alone to do all the work? Tell her to help me.” (Luke 10: 40)

Sometimes I’m like Martha. I tell the Lord to look at me all the time. When I should have been looking at him instead. Palagi ko pang sinasabi na “Lord, bakit ba ganito ang nangyayari sa kin? Samantalang yung iba nga na hindi ka kilala, sobrang nag eenjoy sa buhay. Bakit ako, kilala kita, bakit nahihirapan pa rin ako ng sobra?” And then Inch says, “you know that it won’t last long” And yes, you made promises. I should know better of your faithfulness. I’m really like Martha. Always complaining. Even when you’re already there. Even when I’m already so blessed to have you here with me. I’m always losing the opportunity to know you more, to be intimate with you, to learn from you. Why? Because I tend to be busy with many other things.

“Go now, but listen! I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.  Don’t carry a purse, a bag, or sandals., and don’t waste time talking with people on the road. “ (Luke 10: 3-4)

In short, sabi ni Lord, wag magdala ng pera, ng make up, ng pencil case, ng kung ano man ang nasa bag ko ngayon, which tell about my job in this world.  Sabi ni Lord, pati sandals iwan. Pano nalang yung paa ko? Yung comfort ko? God was honest enough to tell us that following him would really mean a lot of sacrifices. Physically, financially.  And yet, we will have our pay (.v7)

And in all these things, Jesus said “Only one thing is important.” Knowing Jesus is the only thing that is important. Not having money right now is not important. (pero paano yun not important?) because Jesus will provide. God always provides. What are my other worries right now? All of them are not important? I worry about being righteous… just like Martha. I worry about doing my job as a Christian. But it’s not even that important! Being intimate with God is the most important! And yet, it is the hardest. Not doing anything, and having faith alone is a very hard thing to do. Not worrying seems not normal for me. It just seems I don’t care. But it affects me a lot.

What if suddenly, I wouldn’t care? Not that I wouldn’t care at all, but what if I don’t get too concerned with the effects of what I do? What if I just do what I was instructed to do, and do it diligently for God? Not for the money, not for my students to know God, but simply to give glory to God. God will do the rest. God will help my students know Him better.

There will always be work to do! So why don’t I just enjoy everytime I rest? Just like now? There will always be a lot of time to worry. Why don’t I enjoy the times when I don’t worry because I’m talking to you.

It’s not about the work, it’s not about my working ethics. It’s about my attitude towards what God wants me to do. So I’m teaching. What should my attitude be if God sent me here? So Inch and I are still together. What should my attitude be towards this gift?

“If peace loving people live there, your blessing of peace will stay with them.  If not, then your blessing will come back to you.” (Chapter 1 v. 6)

Whatever happens, whatever the result, it always be good for me. I will always be blessed.

Posted by tal at 07:13 PM on November 4, 2009
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can you hear it?

standing in the intersection

"Our Maker gives assignments to people, “to each according to each one’s unique ability.” As he calls, he equips. Look back over your life. What have you consistently done well? What have you loved to do? Stand at the intersection of your affections and successes and find your uniqueness." - Uniquely You by Max Lucado

I love teaching.  I know I do.  I have seen myself as a teacher since I was 10 years old. A year younger than my students now. In my college application forms, all my degree choices were in the field of education. I had good training - in theory and in practice. I know how it is to be a good student, so I figured I would be a good teacher. In fact, I graduated B.Secondary Education with two majors and with honors. I have always believed that my Maker created me to teach. I have always believed that my destiny is to be a teacher forever. But,

I wonder why I can't seem to excel in teaching. I know I am diligent. I do not think I am excellent.

I do not know if I am just insecure, or it is already a sad truth for me.  I do not mean to sound hopeless; not even to appear humble.  I am trying to do as Max Lucado suggested . I am trying to look back over the past one and a half year and see if I have consistently done well in this job. If I am in an assigment where my unique ability is most developed, and most helpful. I feel that the findings would be negative; so I am resorting to face it with my usual "I have no idea". It may be a denial. But it means faith to me. I choose to believe that my unique ability is teaching and that I am in the correct assignment. Am I just blinded by my selfish idea of fate?

I stand at the intersection of my affections - I see myself teaching;  I stand at the intersection of my successes - I see nothing (yet). I could be discouraged by how the situation presents my commonness; that I am not at all unique - that I am just one of the millions of mediocre, content, and unnoticed teachers all over the world.

Or perhaps, unconsciously, I compare myself with my other co-teachers too much. I wonder why unlike them, I am always stressed and tired at the end of the day -- why I can't spare myself time to check my facebook even for just an hour a week (or sometimes -- a month), or why I can't have a break in the faculty room without thinking of my lessons, my plans, my activities, my lists of things to do which always seem endless. It has become normal for me to drown in worries about my work, to be overwhelmed, to be occasionally pathetic with what I get in return for all the hard work. The others don't seem to experience these. I see them chat and laugh a lot; I see them manage to read the latest novels and online news during breaks; I see them go home early; I hear about their purchases - how they were able to reward themselves with fine dining, new clothes and shoes, movies, gadgets,...;  I see them finish a lesson plan in less than 30 minutes (When I take 1-2 hours to do the same). Am I just being envious? Is it just my attitude?

Or it's just the way it is.  Will I be in this kind of struggle until I am able to realize and accept that I am not created for teaching?  That would be hard. I honestly can't think of myself as anything but a teacher. Being out of this would be quite similar to being stripped off my identity.

But I am hopeful. I choose to be hopeful. Afterall, being a teacher comes second.  I am first and foremost a child of God. Lovely in the eyes of my Father. I only see my uniqueness when I think of how my God looks at me.Oh, I love God. Without him, I'd probably be too absorbed with these depressing thoughts of hopelessness.  I'm glad I know God. I'm glad I could end this entry still happy, still okay, still assured of victory, in spite of - despite the ---.

Currently feeling: complacent

Posted by tal at 07:02 PM on November 4, 2009
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can you hear it?

Today is Special (What a creative title!)

...because it's a holiday! Walang pasok sa Quezon City! Yey.

...because I didn't do any work today! Yey! Sabbath! (After the deadline of grades yesterday, nakakailang yehey at sigh of relief na ako since I got home last night)

...because I bought a book - Forrest Gump - and was able to read a chapter! (After a very long time!)

...because I had oreo cheese shake a while ago. Yummm.

...because I was able to show that I'm a friend at the wake of Teacher Chill's mom.

...because it's papa's birthday, and we're having special dinner.*clap,clap,clap*

...because the Lord reminded me that His love is better than life. (Psalm 63)

I was reminding myself a while ago that I don't have to think and write creatively naman in order to come up with a blog entry. Dati naman kahit walang sense nakakapost ako, bakit hindi ngayon? Para lang din naka-record ang buhay ko everyday. Hahahaa, at mabalikan, matawanan, at mareflect-an.

What a simple special day! The Lord is so good to me.

Currently reading: Forrest Gump
Currently feeling: cheerful

Posted by tal at 06:32 PM on August 19, 2009
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can you hear it?