Oswald Chambers wrote: "Natural devotion may be enough to attract us to Jesus, to make us feel His irresistible charm, but it will never make us disciples."

I am attracted to Jesus, and I feel His irresistible charm. No doubt about me having natural devotion. But that doesn't seem to matter so much, now that there's this more important question: Am I a disciple? 

I reviewed my mental notes on what a disciple is. A disciple is a follower - one who follows Jesus's ways. Does what He did. Does what He does. With the intention of giving Him glory. With the motivation that comes from genuine love for God.

Do I have that intention? Do I even have that motivation to start with? 

I would answer yes... but there's this "darkness" now. I wish to understand more about loving God genuinely. In fact, I have been asking God lately to teach me how to love Him more, how to love him genuinely.

And one thing I know now: True love is not natural devotion. And I define natural devotion in simple terms as being a fan - craving and enjoying His presence. 

But indeed, I don't think I can be a disicple and do what Jesus did if I am just attracted to him... if I am just a fan. Sticking around and with him is a lot different from completely surrendering my life to him.  

It has always been a personal choice. True love overflows from the moment to moment surrender of one's will to Jesus. Going to worship services, reading good bible notes and devotionals, listening to a wise pastor preach, belonging to a small group or being in discipleship sessions cannot make me produce love. At the end of the day, I realize I am able to love solely because Jesus is sharing His heart with me. My spirit responds to His love for me, and thus i am able to love others. No amount of effort can teach me true love. It is surely a gift... received by grace alone. Just like salvation. 

I can't wait for God to reveal more of what true love is to me. I believe that I will be blown away in amazement with the things that He has been longing to teach me.

For now,  I open my heart again to Him right now, wider than before. And by God's grace, wait patiently for these things to come.